Optimal Sex

Sometimes optimal or great sex is not only and simply connected to erections, vaginal lubrication, intercourse or orgasm. Sexual satisfaction or poor sexual satisfaction may also be influenced by how effectively couples communicate with each other sexually.  Let’s explore why this is the case together. Clients who come to see me for marital, premarital and individual counseling with various relationship or sexual concerns do want to have great sex but often don’t know how to start a conversation about it with their partner.

I usually explain to them that it’s fun to learn how to talk about sex freely and openly and that they could overcome discomfort of talking about sex in  usually 2-3 sessions.  Then I often share with them the list of items that are important for achieving truly memorable and extraordinary sexual experiences. According to research by Kleinplatz and colleagues (2009), there are eight distinct components to great sex to remember and practice:

  1. being present and focused
  2. feeling connection/being in synch
  3. having deep sexual and erotic intimacy
  4. extraordinary communication/heightened empathy
  5. authenticity/transparency
  6. transcendence/bliss/healing
  7. exploration/interpersonal risk taking
  8. vulnerability/surrender.

I totally agree with these components based on my own professional experience as a psychosexual therapist.

To achieve great sex, I encourage my clients to find more comfort with themselves by personal and interpersonal exploring, revelation and acceptance.  I do this by offering some self-focus exercises for women to be performed alone, where they explore their bodies. I then assign various Sexercises for the couple to do at home and dialogue about their feedback with each other. This exploration and feedback to one’s partner is central to effective sexual communication. With the feedback from the couples, I help them expand their sexual vocabulary by offering my newly developed Sexual Sentence Stems tool which facilitates dialog between couples. I teach them about ways to become more present and not being distracted during sex with various thoughts about kids or washing dishes.  They learn that for great sex,  being comfortable in one’s own skin is super important and it is the foundation for being authentically present and involved in the moment; it is also a prerequisite for revealing oneself to their lover and expanding on one’s  understanding of sexuality and moving beyond conventional sex scripts.

To learn more, please, contact me at www.key2connection.com

Nataliya Rusetskaya, LCSW, psychosexual and couples therapist